23 & Breastless

 

WARNING: YOU WILL SEE MY SURGICAL MASTECTOMY SCAR BELOW. ALSO – WARNING: BLOOD!

PLEASE DON’T CARRY ON IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASY

Finally.. the blog I have been hanging out to write and share with the world!!! The sole reason I actually started this blog. It’s quite straight forward and simple. I will bare all; LITERALLY.

So 01/05/2018 – 1 day post op, some time around midday I decided to finally have a look at my new and improved chest – my new and improved BREAST-LESS chest!

Before I had seen my chest only my Mum, the Dr. & Nurses had seen it. All of their reactions were great!

• “Wow you’re healing great”
• “Ohh, that looks fantastic!”
• “WOW, 1 day post op and it look so good!”

But the only comment I would actually listen to was my Mums.

” Wow.. that actually looks so good! I can’t believe it.” She carried on to say that it was so clean and looked SOOOO much better than the post mastectomy images she had been googling in the last week! **Sigh of relief*** I believed her!

OK here I go. I decide, I’m going to do it. I step into the bathroom to undress. I have my best friend undo my gown at the back as I was only able to utilise one hand. I closed the bathroom door, I stood in the mirror and slowly pulled down the purple gown I had been wearing for the last 24+ hours…… AND…..

There it was!! My chest.. My breast-less chest!

No reaction .. I was kinda just like ok… sweet, I’ll roll with it – because, well babe you just took a drastic step to save your life, pat on the back. I felt content and just thought yo, OK. This is the new me. Easy done right? NO – This is weird but I feel like maybe I was and am still in shock? While looking in the mirror I just felt like I should’ve been upset and angry with what was looking back at me but I wasn’t? I’m just confused as to why I wasn’t upset??? I just thought I would be..

Don’t get me wrong I am OVER THE MOON that I am content with what I saw in the mirror – I’m so proud of myself and can’t believe that I actually felt and still feel OK. I obviously looked different but I didn’t see anything wrong. I still look exactly the same but only now I bare a scar that will now scream I’m a fucking warrior (at least my friends, parents and boyfriend tell me that anyway.) This scar will now play a prop to my life story. A story I will go on to brag about to my kids and my kids, kids and my kids, kids, kids. I am going to love and embrace my new scar as best as I can; because I promised myself I will do everything in my power to turn every shitty situation into a positive, empowering one! Maybe next week my feelings will change and I will become upset or  maybe even next year. Until then, I’m just going to roll with it.

I have seriously surprised myself these last few days with how strong I have been and how comfortable I am in my current situation. I didn’t know I was this strong! It certainly helps that I have a HUGE support network. I showed nearly everybody who visited the hospital today my scar (friends and family) and they all had the same reactions as Mum! All genuine and all so supportive which obviously made me feel better. Except for my little brother who refused to see it and said “It’s not like you had much there before anyway” Wowwwww…. really mate?! hahaha.

Before I sign off on this blog I just want to say that I will be getting some sort of reconstruction/implants. This is in no way to hide my battle. I really want that to be clear. I have my reasons but I will always remember and appreciate what I have just been through. Even though I will look to replace the breast I will always have the scar to remember just how brave I was, at 23 years old!!

LAST WARNING: YOU WILL SEE MY SURGICAL SCAR BELOW – PLEASE DON’T CARRY ON READING IF YOU DON’T WISH TO SEE IT.

I have a bella vac (pictured) connected to my chest which is basically a drain that drains blood to ensure no blood clots or build up occurs in my chest. I may or may not have to keep this in when I am discharged. We will see how it goes! The top left pic is the first time I had seen it – I have blurred out my other lady.  The scaring goes all the way across!! From the middle of my chest right under my armpit. They stitched the scar internally and then glued the top. It is healing so well, I am so impressed and happy with its progress! My actual chest is numb and still tender. Not sure when that will get it touch/feel back.

 

 

 

The above pics were really, really hard for me to share as you never know what you’re going to get on social media these days. I really hope they don’t offend anybody or make anyone feel uncomfortable as 1. It shouldn’t 2. It wasn’t my intention.

Lastly, I hope everyone is having an incredible week! I finally will have the Marina removal procedure today (03.05.18) and then later head home finally! To my bed! That my bf has ever so sweetly prepared for me haha. I will start IVF tomorrow (eek) which I will next talk more about as I begin the process of freezing my eggs!

Thank you again for all your love, kind words & support. It has been incredible!!! It has played a massive part in my journey so far and being able to hold my head so high.

So much Love, until next time!

Sofi xxxxx

 

*P.s – I have written this a whole 24hours after the above.* I spoke to the phycologist today. I told her I thought I was still in shock as I don’t seem to be upset or anything about what I am currently going through. She ensured me that this was common and I  am going to have some bad days in coming weeks/months. Like I said though, just going to roll with it! Please if you’re reading this and you’re going through something similar, it is OK not to feel what I did. Just because I was fine with what I was looking at in the mirror, it doesn’t mean you automatically will be. We all handle situations differently and it’s OK if you do. Either way, your scar makes you a fucking bad ass! Own it baby girl/boy. A breast does not define you as a human being!